I guess I’ll write a post

I know it’s been quite a while since I wrote a post..and my 3 following fans have been left to wonder what I’ve been up to…so here goes.

1. word press-no longer works on my computer, I can’t see what I’m writing without going back and highlighting what I’ve written, so I have been less then willing to write, also, please excuse any typos, because I can’t see what I’m writing.
2. Peace Corps- After going through a lengthy appeal process, after being medically deferred for a year, the Peace Corps informed me that I could not win my appeal, but I could wait 6 months, get my iron levels checked and then if all was well, then I could go.

3. Work– I’ve been working about 55 hours a week, which is killing me, but giving me 15 hours of overtime, which is nice. I’m currently deciding as to whether I should start looking for jobs elsewhere, because of Peace Corps, which I am tired of waiting for, or stay put, and just keep waiting.

5. General- I am happy with where I am at. I enjoy my job, and don’t really mind working the extra hours, because I am helping people that need it. I am applying to jobs that I think i will love, but no plans to move just yet. I got my passport the other day, so I’m ready to leave the states if necessary .

So there is my brief update, so that Dave can stop complaining.

Oh, also…I did karaoke! surprised? me too!

The Cost of Being Right

Ya know that moment where you have every right to say “I told you so” and it feels amazing to be able to say that. Well tonight, I had that feeling of being able to say “I told you so,” but as I sit and wait for the amazing feeling that I expect will be coming any moment now to come, it hasn’t.

A few months ago, one day, and one interaction sent 3 relationships of mine, and close friends into somewhat of a tailspin. It was something that I never expected to recover from, and am not sure if I have yet. Tonight was an unexpected D-Day, where everything came to blows. The inevitable conversation between my two friends took place, both of which chose to include me in the conversation, and tell me all about it. Knowing what was taking place, I kept on thinking, I had foreseen this, but I didn’t feel great about being right.

Now, I’m wondering, so what if I was right? I didn’t gain anything from it, or at least right now, I’m at a loss when coming up with the list of things I achieved.  So I guess this is the cost of being right, a few months of emotional turmoil, and a day’s worth of wondering what’s the point…and right now, it seems like its a price I wish I didn’t have to pay…but just like that nagging telemarketer telling me I have an overdue bill…if I don’t pay it, my conscious will just keep on calling, and calling, and calling.

78656 Steps In The Right Direction

In the beginning of August, I spent a week in Toronto, CA with my very good friend and blogger, Dave. I intended, upon leaving Canada, to go down to New Jersey to spend a few days with my other good friend Sergio, before he embarked on the journey of a life time, leaving for the Peace Corps on August 17th. On Friday, the day before leaving Toronto, Sergio informed that he in fact would not be going to the Peace Corps because he was “sick.” I immediately thought he had a cold, and had to wait a week or so before flying, at which time he informed that his doctor found a lump in my lymphnodes, and believed that he was in the early stages of Lymphoma.

With this news, I left Toronto the next day, in order to spend the next month between New Jersey and Upstate New York, trying my best to be there for Sergio physically, as well as emotionally. I can not even begin to describe the emotional toll this took on me, and can’t imagine how Sergio felt about this news.

Through out the long journey of chemotherapy, and radiation, Sergio kept a very upbeat manner, generally making sure that all of his friends and family were emotionally okay with what was happening. When most people would go into an tailspin, upset at their fate, Sergio’s amazing optimism shone through, never hearing him utter the words “why did this happen to me?” A question that I dreaded, knowing I wouldn’t know the answer to it.

In December, after Sergio began his first rounds of radiation, we were elated to find that the cancer was gone, and that his doctors were making sure that it would not be back.

Now, Sergio is running a marathon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society, hoping to find a cure, so more people do not have to be affected by it in the way that we were.

Please donate if you can, no amount is too small or big. If you can’t, it’s okay too, thank you for showing your support

http://pages.teamintraining.org/snj/nj09/smoruamartinez

The Things I am Thankful For.

I am currently turning into one of those people that only talk about their work.  But I guess when you go into at 3pm only to leave at 8pm…only to come back at midnight and spend the night there, there is nothing else to talk about.  I currently have no life outside of my work.

Anyway, with all my time spent lately working with children with behavioral disorders, I have become increasingly thankful of the life I am blessed with.  Obviously I am thankful that I live in a nice home, with wonderful family and friends, but I am also thankful of several other things.

Everyday, when I go into work, I walk into a war zone, with children erupting over the smallest of things, like not being able to play their game boy, or not being able to go to the gym at the exact moment that they would like.  Instead of waiting patiently, or even impatiently, the children that I work with will most likely erupt into a violent tailspin, not being able to handle the “no,” or the “in 10 minutes” that they have just received.

I pride myself on being mindful of the moments in my life, and not taking much for granted.  I try to let things roll off my back, knowing that I am the only one that can control my own emotions, making myself happy, or sad, when I decide to.  Today I realized that having the peace of mind to be able to do this, is something that I may take for granted.   Because I grew up in a household that was calm, and the only chaos I was exposed to was self inflicted by myself, and my childhood disposition, I learned to be mindful.

I am forever thankful for this.  Some of these kids never had a chance,  their stories some of the most disturbing that I’ve ever heard.  So, instead of dreading coming into work everyday, which is very easy to do with the chaotic nature of the work, I am beginning to realize that I should see it a small blessing.  A reminder of everything that I have been blessed with, big or small, tangible or intangible, and a challenge, to impart some of knowledge that I have learned on the kids that I work with.

A Fresh Start?

Welcome to 2009.  Over the past few days I’ve been contemplating why people make such a large deal out of new years, I mean…it’s just a normal day.  Symbolically, many people celebrate new years as a fresh start, a new beginning.  Everything bad that happened in 2008 is gone, and you can do whatever you want in the upcoming year.

In theory,  I think that sentiment is a good one, forget the past, live in this year, this day, this moment.  But I am a little skeptical of the idea.  Do we need to have a huge celebration, and a huge crystal ball falling to remind us that we always have a new beginning?

Everyday, we have the choice to forget what happened to us yesterday, and begin anew.  The things from 2008 will rear their ugly heads and follow you into 2009, if you chose to let them.  In the same regard, the things from yesterday, can do the same.  As we’ve been in 2009 for 3 days now, I’m sure many people have had their fair share of arguments, and stresses.  We don’t have to wait until 2010 for these to go away, but we can chose to let them go right here and now.

For me, New Years has served as a great reminder that we have the power to change whatever we want, and decide how we feel about things.  Though I don’t need that huge crystal ball, the champagne, and the 10 second countdown…it doesn’t hurt.

Putting Up My Dukes

I have never entertained the idea of getting married, and always stated that I never wanted to get married, because it is too traditional, and is an idea put in place by an institution that I don’t necessarily agree with.  In the same respect, the idea of having a boyfriend has created a sense of disdain in myself.

Today, while being in an introspective mood, I began to think about why I close myself to the possibility of relationships, without really trying them.  And I finally realized, that this is one of my best, and most effective defense mechanisms.  If you are nobody’s girlfriend, you can’t be anyone’s ex girlfriend.  If you don’t put yourself in the position to be hurt…then it’s not possible, in theory.

In a book I once read it said, we accept the love we think we deserve.  While thinking about this, I began to realize, maybe thats the problem.  If one is constantly thinking they don’t deserve a good, healthy relationship…then they can never have a fulfilling one.  So, maybe I say that I don’t want to get married…because deep down, I don’t think it’s going to happen.  It seems to be easier to deal with it, if I never have to deal with it.

With this stunning realization in mind, I think it’s time to take the plunge.  Because I know that I am worthy of a loving, healthy relationship, when I think about it… I just have to stop sabotaging myself…and accepting that by loving myself, I can be loved by someone else.  Everyone is able to have happiness, if they stop settling on something that they know is less than what they are actually worthy of.  In terms of relationships, I know I’m not a fifty cent piece, I’m a million dollar bill.  and I’m beginning to convince myself of that.

A Short Rant

I have been thinking of writing about this for a while, but had decided to keep it to myself, in order to not sound mean.  But my subject today is about going to the gym.  I fully understand that everyone pays the same amount to visit a gym at which they have a membership, and should be able to go on any machine that they like but… when there are about 35 treadmills open, why does it always seem that someone gets on the one next to me?  I feel there is an unspoken etiquette when it comes to using cardio machines at the gym.  When there is an entire row of machines open, besides 2 or 3 which people are using, you should separate yourself from others by at least one machine, if not two.

The last 4 times that I have been at the gym, this has happened to me.  I go to a gym right near the University in my town, so it tends to be dead during the day when I go, and pretty busy at night.  The last 4 times, when it has been almost deserted, I have had the unfortunate pleasure of someone using the machine next to me, which always sends a shiver through my body.

So the question is, am I being dramatic, or is there an unspoken etiquette that others just don’t seem to be abiding by?

Home Is Where the Heart is

Throughout my senior year of college, after the large success of the movie Garden State, a friend and I used to joke about “wanting to go home, but not knowing where home is.”  We were also mildly obsessed with the blog postsecret, and found a postsecret stating the exact same thing.  Often times when we were feeling overdramatic about something, we would joke that we were just “searching for our home” and then laugh at ourselves.

This week, I have been working 14 hour work days (I have no idea why I do this to myself), and have been making sure to take at least 5 minutes to read a portion of Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, No Death, No Fear, before venturing out on my day.  I find it gives me a little bit of perspective, and good cheer for the day that is about to come.  This morning, the portion that I read discussed never having to search for a home, because it is always within you.

The portion read “I have arrived, I am home.”  The home of the wave is water.  It’s right there.  She does not have to travel thousands of miles in order to arrive at her true home.  It’s so simple and so powerful.  I would like to invite you to memorize this little poem and to practice and remember it many times a day.  In this way you will touch the ultimate dimension and always remember your true home.” 

This little passage reminded me of my friends running joke, and how no matter how far away from home, or how much we missed people that we were away from, the moment that you are currently experiencing is the only home that you will ever need. 

 

Fall is my favorite of all seasons

There is nothing that I dislike about fall, until it becomes the part of fall that is so close to winter that it is freezing. As of right now, fall in upstate New York isn’t something that I’ve seen in a while, so I am fully enjoying the beauty of it all. Every time I am upset, or depressed about being home (and hundreds of miles away from my closest friends) looking out my window, or going on a short 5 minute bike ride, reminds me of how lucky I am to be surrounded by the beauty that is nature. I thought I would upload some photos of a few fall things that I have been doing, in order to celebrate this wonderful season.

A visit to the pumpkin farm!

Carving pumpkins!

Living the “American Dream”

I’m not usually one for a politically charged post, but I felt it necessary today. As I watched the first 15 minutes of the presidential debate today, I found it interesting that John McCain mentioned both “the American Dream” and affordable health care in one response. Oddly enough, I planned to write this blog tonight on health care, entitled “Living the American Dream,” before John McCain’s response…we must be on the same page.

There are approximately 46 million Americans that are living without health insurance today, the United States being the only industrialized country without universal health care. 9 million of these 46 million people are children, without health insurance.

Today, I decided to write this post, because to me, it seems that I am truly living the American Dream. I just recently graduated from college, and began working a job at which I have only been for 2 weeks. I am not insured as of right now, and will not be for at least 6 months. For the past few days, I have had a bevy of health issues, including dizziness, nausea, and several other scarier things that I do not wish to write here… but it has got me thinking. A year ago, there is no way that I would not have went to the doctor when I was feeling the way I have been lately, but because I do not wish to pay a 1000 dollar plus doctor bill, I have chosen to wait out the symptoms, hoping that they go away with time. Luckily, this has been the case, and have been steadily feeling better as the days go on, but it is very scary that I actually had to make that decision. I chose to sacrifice my health, in order to avoid future debt. This choice, which I venture to guess, millions of Americans make on a daily basis, is truly living the American dream.