A Time Machine

Today, when having a discussion with my favorite guru, we began to discuss my decision to have weight loss surgery.  Though I don’t necessarily enjoy “what if’s” but every once and a while, I think it’s a good idea to indulge in them.  So, we began to hypothesize the big what if of “what if you didn’t have your surgery, how do you think your life would be different?”  I think that I can safely say that every aspect of my life would be different.  I see it in the smallest things.  Two days ago, while in Syracuse, NY, I went for a walk with my friend Evan and his brother.  In upstate New York, it’s already less 30 degrees at the night, so our walk only lasted about 20 minutes, in which we indulged in smoking a clove cigarette (a guilty pleasure of mine).  As we walked around, I began to think about how not only would I not have been able to even walk the 20 minutes that we had, I would have never been able to do the two things at once.

I can’t even begin to hypothesize what I would be doing after graduating in May, had I not had my surgery.  Though I would never like to admit it, at my size two years ago, it was always a little more difficult to get a job.  Currently, I am working as a child wrangler, waiting for my time to leave for the peace corps.  Both of these things, I most definitely would not be doing.  I imagine I would be working a sedentary job, far more miserable then I am now. I would have never lived in Ithaca this summer, nor would I be doing the large amounts of traveling that I have been.  I would not be going to the gym everyday, and would more than likely not be as happy as I am today.  What If I didn’t have weight loss surgery?  I guess we will never know what would happen…. but I’m glad that I wont.

It is safe to say that if I didn’t find the strength in myself to make the decision to have weight loss surgery not only some aspects of my life, but ALL aspects of my life would be different then they are now.  Sometimes, the What if’s really make you appreciate a decision to you made, and thank the universe that it dropped you in the place you are in today.

The Difference Between Indifference and Acceptance

Though I wouldn’t ever utter the words “I’ve seen it all,” I do find that I don’t scare easily and can generally ignore or overlook (in a complete non-negative sense of the words) differences in people, appearances, and beliefs.

When perusing the new edition of Adbusters, one of my favorite magazines to read but never buy, I was appalled at two stories that appeared that exemplified the indifference in our society today. The first story was that of Arce Torres, who, on his way to pick up a gallon of milk at a local grocery store, was a victim of hit and run. After being hit, Arce lay in the middle of the road, where 9 vehicles drove past him without stopping, 1 car slowed down shortly, but did not stop to see if he was alright. Another man, on a scooter circled around the victim and moved on, while several other witnesses were scattered on the sidewalk surrounding, but did not approach.

The second story was the highly publicized death of Ms. Esmin Green. Ms. Green, a mother of 6 was sent to King’s Hospital in New York City by the preacher at her local congregation. Esmin sat in the waiting room for 24 hours waiting to be seen, before convulsing, and falling out of her chair face down. The 2 other patients in the waiting room did not react, nor did the security staff or nurses. Many nurses and security notice the body, but do not approach, including one security personnel who rolls towards Ms.Green in a desk chair, but quickly rolls back to his post. Eventually, a nurse goes towards Ms. Green and nudges her with her foot. Esmin Green does not react, as she had been dead, face down in the waiting room for over an hour.

Upon reading these two stories, tears welled up in my eyes from a gamut of emotions I was feeling: anger, sadness, and confusion to name a few. The worst part is knowing that these are only two of many stories like this that occur in the United States every day. When did we go from a society that is accepting of differences and things that should shock us, to one that is indifferent of these things? Are we becoming so self involved that we can’t stop and help someone that is truly in need of it?

I often enjoy my acceptance of differences, and oddities that I encounter daily. But I can’t help but wonder and hope that this isn’t a slippery slope that I may be falling prey to. I hope that one day that the acceptance which I pride myself on does not become apathy and indifference.

Cutting It Off at the Legs

As many of you know, I am planning on going to the Peace Corps and leaving the country for 2 years and 3 months, in February or March of next year. Because of this choice, I have taken many steps to foster, and develop the friendships that I already have, and make sure that I cherish the time that I have with the people that I love. But, something is missing.

After a large amount of soul-searching yesterday, prompted by a little bit of a breakdown, I think finally figured it out. Since making my decision to join the Peace Corps, I have been unconsciously cutting off relationships that may not have the time necessary to develop before my departure, and cutting some off at the legs that I know would make my final decision to leave harder in the end. A very wise friend told me yesterday “our biggest obstacle on our path to happiness is ourselves.” I wonder if that’s true.  Am I cheating myself out of happiness right now, because I know it will make things in the months to come a little easier for me?  I have repeatedly been coming back to the idea that if something is meant to be, then it will be.  Some of the greatest things that happen in a person’s life come after taking a big risk, so why not make the jump…even if you know the possible outcome might be a little harder then you’d like it to be…there’s always a large chance that it something amazing could happen.

I was right.

Words are therapeutic.  After have a 2 month long, drawn out “fight” with a friend.  We finally sat down and talked today.  Though we have had several discussions about the initial reason that tension occurred between us, it was never actually resolved.  As much as I wanted to say that things were back to normal, and I was over it, there was always this nagging voice in the back of my head saying, “you’re not ready to let this go.”  Which I guess is only human.  Though I’m not necessarily sure if it’s all let go, and all is forgiven, I feel a little bit of weight off of my shoulders.  Sometimes, all it takes is a little bit of effort, and letting someone know that you know that they were hurt by you, and that it would have been better if it didn’t happen.  So, I guess they’ve always been right, saying the words, letting it out, is therapeutic.

This is my life

Today, when I was leaving New Jersey, coming back to Binghamton, I naturally wanted to spend upwards of 40 dollars on gas. While I was getting my gas pumped, the Russian attendant began talking to me. After a few minutes of regular chatting, that I had a hard time understanding, because of his thick accent, he began to repeat “big bills….I give big bills.” I stared at him puzzled, and he explained to me that if “I go home with him,” he would give me big bills, daily. Still confused, he explained that he wanted to buy me, to be his bride. After being completely dumbfounded at this, I politely declined, and drove away.

Only in Jersey.

The Best Things Come In Small Packages

About 2 years ago, my aunt and uncle used to come into New York City, while I was at school in New Jersey. They explained to me that they were coming into the city in order to see a specialist, so that my aunt could have in vitro fertilization. For years, they had tried to have a baby, with no luck. This was their latest, and most extreme measure in order to finally be blessed with a child. After several treatments, there was no sign of baby, and they decided to stop trying with the therapy. Soon after, my mom called me, to let me know that my aunt finally was expecting.

A few weeks (or months later–I don’t remember exactly), I got a call from my mom letting me know that my aunt had lost the baby, and that both her, and my uncle were very upset about this. With this devastation, they decided to stop trying, the prospect of having a baby was too heartbreaking, when they realized there was a very small chance that it would ever happen.

A few months later, after giving up hope, we found out that my aunt was finally pregnant, with a boy, who after being very premature, finally joined us in June of that year. When born, Anthony, was somewhere around 2 lbs, being the smallest human being I have ever seen. After a few months of being kept in an incubator, he was sent home, without any major problems.

Anthony was definitely a miracle for my aunt and uncle, and the entire family. Every time I see him, I think about how glad I am that he made it through the hardship that was the first few months of his life. After being alive for over a year now, everyday I think about how thankful we are to have him with us.

Today, while I began reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s book No Death, No Fear, I was again reminded of Anthony. The passage read “If a baby has been lost it means that conditions were not enough for him to manifest, and that child has decided to withdraw in order to wait for better conditions, “I will withdraw, I’ll come back again soon, my dearest.”

In reading this, I thought, the miscarried baby was just waiting for better conditions, perhaps we would not have appreciated the baby as much as we do now, if there was no hardship attached to it. Either way, I was reminded that everything comes at the right time, though we don’t recognize it in the face of hardship, there is always a silver lining.

Anthony, Our Smallest Miracle

A letter from my former self

Before the time of blogs, I used to keep a word document that I would write in like a journal. I did this a lot my freshman year of college, but have not looked at it in a long time. Today while sitting in a cafe, I could not connect to the wireless, so I was forced to do things that did not require internet, aka. nothing. I read through this old document, and thought the first entry would have been perfect as a first blog entry for me, so I wanted to share it with all of you. And, for your reading pleasure, I will retype the entire thing, so the format doesn’t get all messed up–so I hope you all enjoy :0)

10/27/05

…and as I thought the day was going well, judging by the fact that yesterday was my first public nervous breakdown at school, I walk into the administration office. I see there’s a new newspaper here, and suddenly, there are all my insecurities literally staring me in the face. The headline reads “New Ranking–Our University–12th fattest.” A million things run through my head, all of which result in me not being able to look at the article, or let anyone see me looking at the article. I begin to think–I guess this is the problem that is the root of all my others. And there it was, written, plain and simple, ranked number 12. I can’t help but think that this at some level might be dependent solely on me. Of course it isn’t, but what if it was. Enter nervous breakdown number 2 at school…no. I could take this as a bad thing (which I’m sure for a while I will.) but this is a promise. to me. Next year, we will be the 10th, and so on. As if it were to be solely dependent on me, then I guess I’ll just have to change that, so from now on I’ll work a little bit harder and do a little better. No false promises of-gym everyday, eating completely healthy. But it can’t get worse, and I’ll take it one step at a time. Writing it down was the first step, letting it out. It may not be the complete way I should seek help, but at least its not bottling things up anymore. Even if it is just on paper…it’s a start.

In retrospect, It could have gotten worse, and it did, until I was hospitalized for 2 months my Junior year of college, for a weight related issue. I’m glad that eventually I found the strength in myself to correct this problem, and over come it. So, remember, it’s never too late, or to early to correct a problem I’m glad I found this letter to remind me of how far I’ve come, and how proud of myself I should be.

Panera: Friend or Foe?

In recent weeks, I have had a budding obsession with Panera Bread. I have always had a strong hatred for Panera Bread, mostly because the food is so deliciously bad for you, that I always want to eat it, but never can bring myself to doing so.

For those of you that have never been to a Panera Bread restaurant, let me set the scene. Upon entering Panera, smells of fresh baked bread, and coffee are thrown at you. Generally, there is some type of jazzy music playing, both soothing enough to have conversation over and interesting enough that if you’re not having a conversation it is still enjoyable. There is a bevy of baked goods that one can see upon entering, including scones, muffins, cookies, and cakes (a beautiful selection, I might add). On the counter there is small cups of granola, orange juice, and fruit. The seats are comfortable, and the lighting is perfect.

Judging by that last paragraph, one would wonder…how can anyone dislike Panera? I applaud the marketing department of Panera, which give the restaurant a feeling of “healthy” and “wholesome” eating, without being specific enough to let anyone know that you are being led astray from your diet. By the atmosphere present in Panera, I would not be surprised to find an advertisement stating that all ingredients in the food at Panera is both organic, and locally grown. Instead of this there is a sign explaining “the recipe of Panera.” This includes “a never ending passion for giving you better choices for honest, real food and welcoming places.” Notice that in this, there is no mention of panera’s nutrition facts. The adjectives used to describe the chain are ones which beckon the diner to believe that this is a place for real food, good food, and a good atmosphere. Perhaps it is only me that assumes Panera is a healthy food establishment, but I doubt it. Bravo, Panera for using advertising that confusing me enough into thinking that your Chipotle Chicken Sandwich on Artisan French would be a good choice of meal for me.

And now for a little comparison: I will use the aforementioned Panera sandwich, Chipotle Chicken, and a quarter pounder from Mcdonald’s. My favorite part of sitting in Panera is looking at the nutrition facts of all the food while I sit, gawking at the amount of fat in almost everything here. So here goes, I hope you all are as surprised as I am about this: A Chipotle Chicken sandwich has 56g of fat, (equaling 86% of your daily fat intake). The sandwich also has 900 calories, which for a woman is about 45% of your caloric intake for the day. Though no one really monitors their sodium intake, this number is also astounding to me, the Chipotle Chicken Sandwich has 2100mgs of sodium, equaling 90% of your daily sodium intake. And now onto the quarter pounder. The McDonald’s Quarter Pounder sandwich has 510 calories, per sandwich, amounting to about 26% of a person’s daily caloric intake. This sandwich has 19g of fat, a whopping 37 g less than the choice Panera sandwich. The quarter pounder also has 1190mg of sodium, equaling about 51% of your daily sodium intake.

In conclusion, I am torn between my love-hate relationship with Panera. Are we being tricked into thinking that the food here at Panera is healthy, or are we just being lazy in not finding out if what we think about a restaurant is true? I can’t decide who is at fault in this situation, the customer, or the company? Sure Panera can do things to make their nutrition information is more public, or they can take steps to making their restaurant a little healthier, but why should they? Their advertising campaign is genius, giving an idea that they are one thing, while really they are the complete opposite. And so Panera, i hate you, but I love to hate you.

*all nutrition facts were taken directly off of Panera, and McDonald’s websites

A Little Bit of Present Awareness With Your Morning Coffee

Today when I was reading while having a cup of coffee, I came across a passage that really interested me. I started reading Peace in Every Step, by Thich Nhat Hanh, where he discusses bringing peace to our everyday lives. The passage that I read said “Even non-sounds such as a ray of sunlight coming through the window are bells of mindfulness that can remind us to return to ourselves, breath, smile and live fully in the present moment.”

This was a nice reminder that little things that you do, and that you silently appreciate can brighten your day, and bring a small amount of peace to your life.

Missing the Beauty of the Moon

Lately I’ve been finding that no matter how much I try to be mindful, and take my own advice, when it comes down to it…it’s hardly ever possible. I’ve been referring to the feeling as “becoming a passenger on my own ride.” By this I mean that I’ve become less in control of my reactions to situations that occur in my life.

Enter: A week in Toronto with Dave. It seems that these times where I lose control of my emotion often coincide with a visit from Dave, which always helps me recenter myself, and take control of my emotions again. Dave is one of the most centered and controlled person I have ever met, and every time I see him, I leave with a very calmed demeanor.

This couldn’t have come at a better time. I ended up leaving Toronto to venture on a 13hr travel(8 by train, and 5 by car) to spend some time with a friend in need. As I drove the last leg of my trip, a 4 hour drive to New Jersey last night, I became fearful that I would not be able to hold myself together when arriving at my destination. But, with my week of calmness in the back of my mind, and some wise words, of Thich Nhat Hanh that I had read on the train, I was reminded to be mindful of the present situation. Though it is important to think about the future, as we would not be able to exist in present society without some thought of it, it is not necessary to be fixated on it.

One popular Zen story warns of missing the moon, because a person is too busy staring at the finger that is pointing out the moon. This is a story that is often interpreted different ways, by the monk or Zen master that is discussing the story, or the situation they are discussing. Today, this story is a great reminder to me that when we are fixated on the finger, in this case being the future, we miss the beauty of the moon, or the present. What a nice reminder to stop, smile, and realize how beautiful the moment that you are in is.