Putting Up My Dukes

I have never entertained the idea of getting married, and always stated that I never wanted to get married, because it is too traditional, and is an idea put in place by an institution that I don’t necessarily agree with.  In the same respect, the idea of having a boyfriend has created a sense of disdain in myself.

Today, while being in an introspective mood, I began to think about why I close myself to the possibility of relationships, without really trying them.  And I finally realized, that this is one of my best, and most effective defense mechanisms.  If you are nobody’s girlfriend, you can’t be anyone’s ex girlfriend.  If you don’t put yourself in the position to be hurt…then it’s not possible, in theory.

In a book I once read it said, we accept the love we think we deserve.  While thinking about this, I began to realize, maybe thats the problem.  If one is constantly thinking they don’t deserve a good, healthy relationship…then they can never have a fulfilling one.  So, maybe I say that I don’t want to get married…because deep down, I don’t think it’s going to happen.  It seems to be easier to deal with it, if I never have to deal with it.

With this stunning realization in mind, I think it’s time to take the plunge.  Because I know that I am worthy of a loving, healthy relationship, when I think about it… I just have to stop sabotaging myself…and accepting that by loving myself, I can be loved by someone else.  Everyone is able to have happiness, if they stop settling on something that they know is less than what they are actually worthy of.  In terms of relationships, I know I’m not a fifty cent piece, I’m a million dollar bill.  and I’m beginning to convince myself of that.

Cutting It Off at the Legs

As many of you know, I am planning on going to the Peace Corps and leaving the country for 2 years and 3 months, in February or March of next year. Because of this choice, I have taken many steps to foster, and develop the friendships that I already have, and make sure that I cherish the time that I have with the people that I love. But, something is missing.

After a large amount of soul-searching yesterday, prompted by a little bit of a breakdown, I think finally figured it out. Since making my decision to join the Peace Corps, I have been unconsciously cutting off relationships that may not have the time necessary to develop before my departure, and cutting some off at the legs that I know would make my final decision to leave harder in the end. A very wise friend told me yesterday “our biggest obstacle on our path to happiness is ourselves.” I wonder if that’s true.  Am I cheating myself out of happiness right now, because I know it will make things in the months to come a little easier for me?  I have repeatedly been coming back to the idea that if something is meant to be, then it will be.  Some of the greatest things that happen in a person’s life come after taking a big risk, so why not make the jump…even if you know the possible outcome might be a little harder then you’d like it to be…there’s always a large chance that it something amazing could happen.

I was right.

Words are therapeutic.  After have a 2 month long, drawn out “fight” with a friend.  We finally sat down and talked today.  Though we have had several discussions about the initial reason that tension occurred between us, it was never actually resolved.  As much as I wanted to say that things were back to normal, and I was over it, there was always this nagging voice in the back of my head saying, “you’re not ready to let this go.”  Which I guess is only human.  Though I’m not necessarily sure if it’s all let go, and all is forgiven, I feel a little bit of weight off of my shoulders.  Sometimes, all it takes is a little bit of effort, and letting someone know that you know that they were hurt by you, and that it would have been better if it didn’t happen.  So, I guess they’ve always been right, saying the words, letting it out, is therapeutic.