Putting Up My Dukes

I have never entertained the idea of getting married, and always stated that I never wanted to get married, because it is too traditional, and is an idea put in place by an institution that I don’t necessarily agree with.  In the same respect, the idea of having a boyfriend has created a sense of disdain in myself.

Today, while being in an introspective mood, I began to think about why I close myself to the possibility of relationships, without really trying them.  And I finally realized, that this is one of my best, and most effective defense mechanisms.  If you are nobody’s girlfriend, you can’t be anyone’s ex girlfriend.  If you don’t put yourself in the position to be hurt…then it’s not possible, in theory.

In a book I once read it said, we accept the love we think we deserve.  While thinking about this, I began to realize, maybe thats the problem.  If one is constantly thinking they don’t deserve a good, healthy relationship…then they can never have a fulfilling one.  So, maybe I say that I don’t want to get married…because deep down, I don’t think it’s going to happen.  It seems to be easier to deal with it, if I never have to deal with it.

With this stunning realization in mind, I think it’s time to take the plunge.  Because I know that I am worthy of a loving, healthy relationship, when I think about it… I just have to stop sabotaging myself…and accepting that by loving myself, I can be loved by someone else.  Everyone is able to have happiness, if they stop settling on something that they know is less than what they are actually worthy of.  In terms of relationships, I know I’m not a fifty cent piece, I’m a million dollar bill.  and I’m beginning to convince myself of that.

A little Weight, A huge piece of mind…

About 6 months ago,  I had gastric bypass surgery, which was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.  In the past 6 months, I’ve lost a little more than the ideal weight of a 25 year old, 6 foot man.  There are many good things that have come out of this, most obvious, an improvement in my health.

Before my surgery, I was very nervous about the changes that would occur in my body, because I loved the person I was.  I spent all of high school dealing with being different, and throughout college had learned to embrace it.  It wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to let that person go.  And now I realize it’s the biggest gift I have ever recieved: weight.  By having the opportunity of being obese, and also a “normal” weight, or at least on my way to it, I have been able to hone the qualities that I found most endearing in a person.  I also was able to learn at a very young age that it doesn’t matter what a person looks like and not to judge by appearances, the way that most people did with me.

The most important lesson I learned is that you have to love yourself, before anyone else can love you.  Happiness lies completely within the individual.  No one else can make, or break it for you, without your permission.  Throughout high school, I cursed the body that I was “given” and now I realize that it has made me a stronger, better person.  By embracing this, and myself, I have learned to love the person I am, no matter what my present weight is.